Eulogy to a Coach...

Thanks to Jim Harris for this gem...

South Bend, IN - Friends and former colleagues gathered in South Bend Indiana today to mourn the loss of Charlie Weis’ coaching career. Weis, true to form, eschewed a simple funeral, and instead insisted upon a Viking ceremony, complete with funeral pyre set afire on the St. Joseph river. The private ceremony was attended by Notre Dame officials, as well as Weis’ family and friends and was sponsored by Chik Fil A. Chik Fil A, Eat Mor Chikin!

The cold fall day was reminiscent of a Grantland Rice classic, however, outlined against this blue-gray November sky were not famine, pestilence, disease or war, but rather the four horseman of Weis’ own apocalypse; pride, , penalties, porous defense, and a complete inability to run the f*ing ball. While there were hopes of late that Weis’ career might pull through, that was not to be. Doctors had urged Weis’ career to fight through his illness, and were surprised when Weis did not. Weis, for his part, insists all of the responsibility for his coaching death lies with him. Except, you know, for the parts that aren’t. “You know, I’m not one for excuses” Weis proclaimed before the ceremony, “And all of the blame should rest with me…except the players really didn’t execute, and my coordinators, they didn’t do that great of a job, oh, and the officials, those damn officials.” Weis concluded his remarks by stating that he was “pretty sure” that the Notre Dame marching band “cost us that USC game”.

The most heartfelt remarks, however, were delivered by Weis’ former coaching colleagues and coworkers. Some, such as former Notre Dame athletic director and current Duke AD Kevin White were surprised at the early demise of Weis’s career. “I did not see this coming” White commented, “I was just calling the football offices to offer Charlie a 50 year extension when I heard the news, it was quite a shock.” White also brought with him condolences from former Notre Dame coach and current 4 handicap Ty Willingham, stating “Ty really wanted to be here today, but unfortunately that sand trap on the 7th is really taking up most of his time.” White also suggested that Willingham, an acknowledged expert on the murder of football programs, was not convinced that Weis’ coaching career was really dead.

Former Notre Dame coach and current ESPN TV analyst offered his own commentary on Weis’ tenure, stating “I think the problem there at ND, they expect the footbaw team to win, like, every game. I mean, when I was at A&M, we would lose three, four games a year, no problem. ND? You lose 5 games and suddenly you’re a bad coach.” Davie then excused himself, explaining he was covering the big San Diego St.-Montana A&T game for ESPN 8, the Ocho.

Weis’ players both delivered the eulogy and served as pallbearers for the coffin filled with articles representing Weis’ head coaching career. As the oversized laminated play chart, XXXL hooded sweatshirt and four Super Bowl rings were marched around the bucolic Notre Dame campus, spectators could not help but reminisce about Weis’ tenure with the Fighting Irish.

Quarterback Jimmy Clausen started the proceedings with a heartfelt and genuinely touching story about playing under Weis, until he was interrupted by an Eric Olsen holding penalty three quarters of the way through. Losing his train of thought, Clausen wandered around aimlessly for a few moments until he was eventually tackled by a funeral parlor employee.


An awkward moment ensued later when Irish defensive back Darrin Walls stepped to the podium to deliver his eulogy, but was stopped when he was informed that the procession had already passed him by and the coffin was about 10 yards behind him. The funeral encountered further problems when, upon reaching the banks of the St. Joseph river, the players inexplicably broke into the Wildcat formation, causing them the fumble the coffin. Once order had been restored, the procession was halted one final time as safety Harrison Smith dove head first into a startled spectator, earning a 15 yard personal foul penalty. Only after an official review was the coffin finally set adrift into the St. Joseph river.

Once it entered the river, the coffin was then set ablaze by members of the United States Naval Academy, a scene which Irish defensive coordinator Jon Tenuta called “appropriate” and “oddly reminiscent”, but defensive back coach Corwin Brown believed to be “bullshit”.

Coach Weis leaves behind 3 top 10 recruiting classes, thousands of embittered fans, and an $8 million dollar buyout. In lieu of flowers, the University asks that donations be made to the “Jon Gruden Fund” c/o The Gahagen.